A Window into Wisdom Love…
So many people are raised in idealized “Romantic Love” that is highly reflective of Narcissism. (Huh… “reflective.” After reading this post, that phrase will take on a whole new meaning to you). When I write something to my Partner that I believe is a great example of Wisdom Love, I post it for others to see. To learn. To understand what love is supposed to look like. Because I believe people not being educated on what love actually is, is part of the problem with the world today. – Anna
Good morning, my dear.
I’m thinking hard about your feelings at the moment. And, one thing I will say, in all of the things we have said to each other, in all of the times I have asked you, you have never told me “don’t tell me you love me.”
I’ve asked. And you’ve said that it never bothers you.
I worry often that it does, which is why I asked often. Some days, when I was most worried for you, I didn’t say it.
But I believe that honesty in love and truth cannot render pain. I think on this now. Reflecting on what may or may not harm you, you have been very clear on the one thing that does hurt you. And, in those times, I prioritized my honest, but fear-steeped feelings over your boundaries, and that hurt you (of which I did apologize and will again. I am sorry). I am very embarrassed and ashamed for what I did to you in those times.
I’m thinking on this long and hard before I write this letter. I recently learned empathy, and I’ve gone back on a lot of things that I’ve said to you and done, and I can see very clearly now how the lack of this emotion resulted in so much pain for you and others. I now prioritize the feelings and mental health of others equal to honesty and the truth (truth is here defined as my Logical Health as well as the Defined Logical Health of others).
I believe you care for me very deeply. I believe you are also in a mindset right now where you did get hurt by me, very deeply, and at a time when you were open to receive me. And also, at a time when you were and still are focused on your Mental Health and healing. I did not comprehend this then, but I do now. I understand and appreciate the need and desire and passion to protect one’s own healing. You do so much work to put yourself back together again, and the last thing you need is anyone stepping in and tearing down your work.
And I understand that that is exactly what I did to you. I did not process this until now. And believe me, I am processing the extent of the damage and hurt that I caused you (I will forever say I am sorry until I know it is a thing behind us both).
I believe that you do not have the mental constitution to process the scope and depth of my work at this time. Nor did I, until very recently, have the vocabulary and discipline to communicate it effectively.
I am not worried and have no fear that you will return even though you may not be sure what you are doing at this time, because, as much as I love you and do wish for you to remain a part of my life, I am solid and stable without you. At this time, I just wish for your healing. Every day I wish this for you. Just your healing. Just that you find your Truth for you and that you know you. You have my Triadic Healing at your disposal if ever you want it. A kind offer. Nothing more.
I know you will. And I am so happy for you about this.
I am afraid of my own bitterness and resentment toward you if you do return. I think on this often and I realized, in talking to you about my fear and concern, it will dissipate the fear and resolve the issue. But I needed to first make CERTAIN that this topic does not harm you. Hence why I am writing this letter to you like this. To assure you that this conversation will not harm you. Only now am I certain that this letter will not harm you. I needed to be sure.
Fear is only ever the Undefined Self. It is a presence that occurs only when we do not know or trust how we will respond, survive, or handle any given situation in the future. That is it. The more you define the Self, the more you know who you will be in a given situation, the more you know you will survive it… the less fear you will have. The knowing of the Self eliminates fear.
In the past, when ex boyfriends or crushes have returned to me, I turned them down with cold malice. I was a bitter bitch to them. And my greatest fear is showing you that same cold malice. I’m taking a version of my past Self and applying it to you and there is when I have fear. So I write letters to you out of fear, to keep the warmth and connection there to prevent the cold bitterness that I am afraid I will show you.
And I need to end this fear. I don’t want to write letters to you out of fear of developing cold bitterness toward you.
You are never, not at all anything like them. For you, all I ever want is open warmth and a loving “Welcome back.” This is what I want for you always. And my greatest fear is giving you my cold bitterness. It always has been. It was a lack of my own trusting of my emotions toward you. I was afraid of hurt and bitterness from pain turning me cold and hateful against you. So, in fear, I nurtured us because I was terrified of giving you my cold hate in a Future Self.
So, for my sake, I am creating a new scenario for you. That, should you return, when you return, even if it is to tell me that you need to sever ties with me, I will accept you with open warmth, love, kindness, and tender gentleness. That is all I ever… *realization* …There is my Truth. I found it. That is all I ever want to give you from this moment forward. Just my open warmth, love, kindness, and gentle tenderness, no matter what you say to me. You… Are so very precious and dear to me. And I have been careless, sloppy, and wreckless with you. I need to always treat you like the King that you are. Always.
This fear of giving you my cold was the only fear I had left in me. And it has haunted me for a long time. You inspire me to be better. Your qualities. Your kindness, gentleness, tenderness. Your constant, formidable quiet and justice… Your fairness toward others… is a skill I aspire to have in me every day.
All love aside, you are the most honorable, beautiful person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. And when you tell me that you used to be horrible, I always thought, “Exactly. You chose to be this way.” You are my hero. I wish to be just like you some day.
I admire you beyond depths I cannot explain. You are the human person I wish I could be some day. And that is why I made you my role model. That is what the You of I is… lol… That is all it is. Mammals learn through Mirroring that follows the Laws of Reflection. And when we choose people in our lives, we *will* mirror them. This is Science. It is how we learn. Law of Reflection. Everything we learn is mirrored. It’s why I’m so careful about who I allow in my life. Because I’m cherry picking my Mirrors. It’s why I stopped attending events in the City. I wanted to stop Mirroring that behavior.
And you are who I aspire to be, so I made you my role model. My You of I. Your ethics are what I revere, and every day, I work hard to emanate you. Even your setting these boundaries on me so that you could heal and protect your healing and you… I honor and admire that in you so much. I am so very proud of you for that. I respect how hard that must have been for you. God, I fucking love you.
And I wish you a massive dose of Self-Esteem and Pride and Self-Value and a lot less Humility (Look up the word. It means modest to low self-esteem and that is *not* a good thing to have at all).
That was it really, I wasn’t afraid of the distance or time away from you because I know you’re healing and growing and I love that so much for you! I know you’re rebuilding your Self and are doing the Healing work. I am so excited for you! I’m over here cheering you on and applauding you and I’m feeling every day, “Yes! Yes! Please heal! Grow! Goddamn, I am so proud of you!”
I love that you are doing this for you! And if you come back to me, great! I will welcome you with open arms! And if you don’t. Okay! I will metaphorically kiss you on your forehead and tell you that I will always love you, and I’ll smile and say, “Now go have the greatest adventure of your life!” I love loving you. And I don’t need you in my life for me to love you.
But my fear of giving you my cold… Oh… I know how to fix that in me for good.
I promise you that, no matter how much time and distance passes, you will forever have an open door with me. And that door will always be filled with love, warmth, and gentle, tender, empathy for you. You always have Home and Family, Unconditional Belonging and Unconditional Love with me. I am your Home if ever you wish it. You will receive an Irish Welcome upon your return.
I promise you, from this moment on, that I will always speak and write to you with empathy first. Always considering and prioritizing your emotions and Mental Health equal to and, at times, above my own.
Forgiveness of Mistakes.
Flexibility for our Differences.
Celebrating Growth for Change.
I am still bound to these with you. You do not have to hold yourself to them. But I must uphold them on my end because that is who I am. I value and love you as much as I value and love those ethics.
You have my Warrior’s Word on this. And I am honor bound always to uphold my Word. Gotta love that Celtic Logic in my brain. ;p
I wish I had the knowledge to make those vows a lot sooner than today. But, apparently, I had a lot of growing to do to get here. You know… I walked away from my traumas with my Warrior Mind. It gave me Ethics only Warriors know. Hardness and Cold Bitterness are not qualities I want for my loved ones and for those who are inside my Circle of Trust. And you are very much in my Circle of Trust.
I love you, My Imp King.
I know and love too much about my Self and you to not love you.
Anna