Observation : Not Valid Research. Much Data is required.
I have no idea what this is, but I cannot deny this thing any longer. It is a Constant. I need data and fast.
I thought it was my Mental Illness, but I kept turning on this thing and my Illnesses are long gone, but this is still here. And EVERY TIME I oppose this part of me, I am depressed and I fall apart… The moment I re-align with THIS PART of me — my Core Truth — I am FINE again.
Two days ago, on 16 October 2024, a friend of mine proposed an experiment where I terminate all communications with my Partner who is Withdrawn in Isolation. He has been in this State of “Self-Drifting” since September 2022. Really, it spans his entire life, but in September 2022, the Drifting began and, by December 2023, it was really bad.
This has left the relationship between us… Hard.
Enter “My Core Truth” or “The Anchored Self.” I don’t know what else to call this thing. Now, to date, I have identified the 7 Parts of the Mental System, the Cognitive Core, AIDNS, and the 5 Levels of The Subconscious Mind with the 12 Ethical Perspective Stages of Human Growth and Evolution… but this… This…
Every time I “attack” or “oppose” this Core piece of me, depression and Suicidal Ideation — yes, Suicide — seeps back in. I don’t believe “Suicide” is due to Mental Illness. It comes in no matter what and at any time. In fact, you can be Mentally Healthy, but you touch this “Anchor” of the Self, and — instantly — Suicide is back.
I couldn’t believe how — no matter how Mentally Healthy I became, Suicide kept coming back. I’m like, “What the fuck!? How is that possible?” So I through out everything we were all told to believe by “Professionals” and I started from Scratch.
For two days, I questioned this Core Anchor of the Self. Instantly, Suicide was back. I LOVED me. I STILL LOVE me. Believe me, Self-Love and Self Value is NOT my problem. Do you hear what I’m saying? Self-Love and Self- Value is NOT a solution or “cure” to Suicide?
I KNEW and I KNOW I am highly valuable and worthy and I have GREAT Self-Esteem. I have NO Self-Loathing. I take care of myself, I go to battle for me and my people. I spend TIME with my 5 Parts of my Mental System.
SO THEN WHY Suicide?
Suicide is not related to Self-Esteem.
This “Anchor” … I have been battling it in Love all of my life. And the best way I can describe this Anchor is by calling it “MY TRUTH.” It is the parts of me that are the Foundation of my Cognitive Core. It is the ORIGIN of the Cognitive Core.
It is BELIEF. THAT is what it is! That is it! This “Anchor” is BELIEF.
Now, this BELIEF does not change in me. But my FAITH in it does. Listen to me on this… When I have Faith in my Belief — this is weird — then I am SOLID. I am SECURE. I am CONFIDENT and I KNOW.
But when I question my Belief… THAT is when the Suicide hits. That is when “Nothing matters.”
Now my Logic… My Perspective, my Desires and Dreams… they feel… like Minor League Players in comparison to the Size of Belief and Faith in Belief.
If I had to describe “Belief” in Imagery only, I would say it is a GIANT GOLDEN BALL of pure Light and it sits under the Cognitive Core. I thought “Logic” created the Belief… I believe that this man is my husband. I am his wife. I believe this. Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt. I am this man’s wife. That is at the Core of this Belief. And it PERMEATES me.
When I betray that Belief… Suicide hits.
My dreams COME from this Belief. My desires and wants come from this belief.
I think it’s Love. DAMN IT! YES! I believe this “BELIEF Ball” is Love. PURE Love. I don’t… I grew up without Love. I had no idea what it was until I met him. And, I was suicidal until I found a Definition of Love.
Now I had and still have Self Love… but this… This is THE BELIEF. I don’t think it’s Love Itself. It’s The Belief and Faith in that Belief.
I spent the last two days, suicidal, crying… I knew I had to push through this. I knew it was a process. But then, I couldn’t sleep tonight, and I lay there, exploring the inner most depths of my Self, and I was going — again — through all the Logic in my Comprehension. I felt despair, without Definition. I felt Lost… severed… Like nothing had purpose. I just didn’t care about anything.
I asked myself all the questions, but it all kept coming back “I don’t believe love is for me. I don’t believe I will know love.”
But then, I hit this Golden Ball and it felt like Iron. I knew this Part of me. I felt it so many times, but this time… IT WAS CONSTANT. I could feel it was REAL and separate from Emotions and Feelings. It was a Constant. I asked it, “What do you believe?” And one sentence came to me.
“I am his wife.”
And this TRUTH just HIT ME HARD. I am his wife. Love, not love… not relevant. I AM HIS WIFE. HE is my HUSBAND. That was TRUTH.
This fact “I am his Wife” felt like the same Truth I feel with Logic, Math, and Physics. I am his wife feels exactly like E=MC2 and For Every Action There is an Equal and Opposite Reaction. “I am his Wife” feels like… Natural Law and Science. What… the Fuck!? How is this even possible?
What does this mean!? I know what this means… but… HOW!?!?
“I Am.”
What the hell is this!? I can’t… process the depth of this meaning in philosophy and Physics! I mean… I can… but… I must process this DEEP!
I don’t think it MATTERS what the Truth is, but you do have your CORE TRUTH. You CANNOT betray your Core Truth. You do that, Suicide comes back.
As soon as I felt it tonight, my ENTIRE “Suicidal Ideation” and despair INSTANTLY vanished. Will he love me? does he love me? It doesn’t matter. Not relevant. Will he ever come back? Not relevant.
I AM HIS WIFE and he is my husband. THAT is the Truth like Math and Physics is Truth and THAT… that is all that matters.
I felt Confidence shoot through me. I felt this grounding rod just SLAM down through me. I felt this FORMIDABLE STRENGTH just blast off all weakness, sorrow, and grief.
And then I said, “This is NOT my Imagination! This is a CONSTANT that is PART OF THE SELF! WHAT IS THIS THING!?”
It is your BELIEF. Your Core Belief and you MUST have FAITH in it. YOU CANNOT EVER BETRAY IT! I have no idea how to help others yet find theirs. I need to do experiments. All I know at this stage is THIS Core Belief is the ONE THING YOU BELIEVE, YOU KNOW — And ANY TIME you lose that Core Belief, Suicide steps in.
Which means — if this is correct — Suicide is linked ONLY to Your Knowing Your Core Belief and Living TRUE to your Core Belief.
I have no idea where Core beliefs come from or how they are formed. I have no idea what they are for or how they work…
The Core Belief is definitely the Catalyst of the Entire Self System.
The Core Belief is where Dreams come from.
The Core Belief is so much more than your Identity. It is the Foundation of your Identity.
The Core Belief is … I believe it is where Manifestations are made from.
The Core Belief is… The Power Source of the Cognitive Core. It is the Power Core. The Dilithium Crystal of your entire System.
You cannot lose your Core Belief and you MUST have Faith in your Core Belief. You must live ALIGNED to your Core Belief.
The Cognitive Core is Governed by…
Unethical… The 5th Levels of the Subconscious Mind… They have an Unethical Core Belief. Oh… Oh… That is… OH… Fuck… Oh…
The Core Belief could be The Essence of Self, but that is more the Synergy from the entire package of The Cognitive Core and the Story and the Core Belief.
Your Core Belief works with your Logic.
I have no idea how to even begin to change or alter a Core Belief.
But also… — not at all like Inside Out 2 — The Core Belief is not “all of you.” that is the Essence of You that is the Summation of the Integrated Whole.
The Core Belief is the Foundation of Self.
This is DEEP inside of us.
So deep… It is the Battery of the Cognitive Core.
I want my Love to find his Core Belief!