In all of my years, I never thought I would dig into the Unknown as much as I did these last two days.
With the removal of Narcissism, I had that moment of Fear where I asked, “What I am without this?” Narcissism has been so much a part of me since I was 4 years old, when I failed to save, that I internalized that lesson deep. That I would need help from others, but they did not come.
But I was 4. And my bother seemed twice my height and size and strength.
When you suffer more, and you desire to succeed most, and you fail to save. This is the perfect window for Narcissism to take hold.
I noticed this morning that with the Unknown comes instability. And with that instability, the desire to seek out answers to stabilize is strongest. But this morning, I noticed more intriguing, that the Unknown was small, minute, almost not there. My partner has withdrawn. Whether or not he will return, I am not sure. I think he will, but I have no idea how many days, weeks, months… maybe years will pass if he even does.
I am not sure.
In the past, this would have crippled me. But now, with the Narcissism gone, only a small sliver, a fraction remains. And all at once, I understand.
The Unknown is Doubt In The Self.
The Self vs. Fear.
The Self is Pure Love.
It is Knowing that The Self can save, flourish, nurture, and go on as it is. I noticed, the more I go on with this journey, Fear is less and less. For Fear is only present when I lack trust and belief and knowing in my own Self.
This is Fear of The Unknown.
It is actually an Undefined Self.
And in the Unknown, we seek out answers. We must have the stability. I feel like my 3-legged stool metaphor is wobbly. I must look within myself to stabilize.
How, I asked. Define the Self.
And that is when I realized, how many Fears we have is directly proportionate to how well we know and trust the Self. How much we battle with the Unknown is directly proportionate with how well or how little we know and trust the Self. One could use Fear and the Unknown as Metrics to determine just how much Self Work they have to do.
Today, on this Monday morning, I feel it. I am lacking one, final Undefined part of my Self.
Who am I if he does not return? What if I have no You of I? What if the Story of he and I ends here?
Before, as little as two weeks ago, I would have panicked in terror of allowing that space to be open. I believed that vacant space, left me vulnerable to unwanted suitors claiming a seat at my side. Today, I scoff and brush that away. It’s not a position I would hand to just anyone. Anyone, if anyone, who wishes to claim the empty throne beside me… who says there is even an empty throne beside me.
I am not one to seek out a relationship for the sake of “needing a relationship.” The person I meet must INSPIRE me to want a relationship with him. Or her? Maybe not.
The Self and the Lover.
How much Romantic Love has turned these two Individuals against each other. Pitting Love against Love.
I feel like I am this vast, stable tower. A Lighthouse. And I have one, lose stone at the base. If only I can find it, and secure it. It is the ability to think entirely independent of Fear. Independent of Another.
I picked up my phone this morning and moved to text him then stopped and put the phone down. Never again will I act or move or interact with that man out of Fear. If I am not acting out of Love or Celebration, then I have no desire to interact with him at all.
I put the phone down without texting and instead made my coffee and thought on Love, Unknown, the Self, and Fear.
We really know very little about Emotions. No wonder we fear them so much. Most of us have any idea what they truly mean or what they are for. We treat them as if they are these foreign entities that have invaded us.
Emotions.
So many times, I have tried to talk on Emotions and explain what they are, how they are, what we need them for. Whenever something is hard, it is because we are doing something out of order. When it is easy, it is time. And if you think a certain subject of study is hard, it’s because you are learning out of order. Other lessons are required before one can proceed.
Patience is one emotion I love most of all.
Every time I feel Patience, I think, Ah. It is the Universe calling me to the Classroom. I have lessons to learn. I sit back with my coffee and ponder. What lessons of The Self do I have to learn this morning, my dear?
- How attached we get to Story when we prioritize the Story above the Self.
- What the Unknown is and how it relates to Fear and The Self.
- Our ability to use the Unknown and Fear as Metrics to how little or how well we know our Self.
- How little we actually know about Emotions and their Definition.