Hi.
I found a Logical Fallacy that just surfaced tonight and I’m… addressing it. I thought it was Imposter Syndrome, but Imposter Syndrome never Psychologically made any sense to me. This was more like “Unfamiliar with Being Chosen.” And “Disbelief that someone Chose Me.”
Once I found those words, I was able to say, “No one ever chooses me… and I can’t believe someone actually did. And not because they wanted anything from me. But just because they Chose me.”
I was always “The Other Woman” or “The One Night Stand.” And I accepted this. But today, I was chosen and it contradicted my Logic. And then I had to face it. And I’m hurt and angry and sad. And I’m trying to let the emotions of this flow. It very much is the feeling of “Unfamiliar with Being Chosen.” And it’s a shock to my system. That is an OLD belief. And I can feel it now how much that Logical Fallacy obstructed all of my progress. So it has to come out.
And I’m angry, but I can’t seem to get angry. I never belonged to any of them, but they tried to keep me anyway to use me, but I was never for any of them. And it prevented me from getting to where I truly belonged and with the right people. People who had no business with me kept me from my True People. And I let them. I let them until I believed “no one chooses me.” When in fact, only Users Not meant for me Used me.
And I know when I’m being used. I know when people cling to me to use me. It’s a sensation I am highly aware of. And this is the feeling of not being used. It’s the feeling of being wanted for my Ideas and my Mind instead of my Body or my Sex. And I’m not used to it.
I was a Mind. This whole time. I had a Mind. And it was always ignored and unwanted. But my Mind was who I am. And they never wanted that. I was a shell to them. I was just a capsule they could use. They had no interest in my Mind at all. And two years ago, I cut the world off from my Body. I told the world they would only get my Mind and nothing else! And no one wanted me. And I knew that! I expected it. I knew, the moment I denied the world my Body, it wouldn’t want me… and they didn’t. And I DENIED them my Body. I said, “This is my Mind! And if you don’t want my Mind, then you won’t have any of me!”
And no one wanted me. And that was just fine. But they would NOT have any of me.
And so many people came and they tried. And I fought with them. No! My Mind or NOTHING! And they tried to have fun with me, but they hated my Mind. And I said, “NO! MY MIND OR NOTHING!”
And today…I was chosen for my Mind.
I’m not a whore. I was a somebody inside the Body. This whole time, I was a somebody inside the Body. I was only ever just a possession or a trophy. They dehumanized me. They threw away my Mind. And it took me 2 years of denying them my Body and also screaming, “NO! MY MIND OR NOTHING!” And today, they finally chose my Mind. And I just want to fall down and cry.
The Mind is the Self. The Mind is always only ever just The Self. And the Mind is contained inside The Voice. And if the Mind and The Voice are not received or heard, then the Person is never Known. And the feeling of being seen and known like that… It’s so different that it shocks the system. It’s disbelief that anyone would actually hear your Voice, Know your Mind, and still want you.
It’s how I was able to accept your Silence. No one ever wants my Mind. Just my Body. But you were the only one ever who heard my Mind… even long after you didn’t want my Body. I don’t know where you are… But you’ve consented to look through this window to see my Mind. I was always here. I have always been here. I was never not here. I was here the whole time. For decades, and no one bothered paying attention! I WAS INVISIBLE WHILE THEY RAPED ME! It took so much work for ONE person to hear my Mind! And not because they didn’t choose me! But because the people who never had any right to me at all kept me!
It’s the Feeling of Being Seen. My Mind has been Seen and Accepted. They chose me. They chose my Logic.
That is what the Mind is. It’s the Logic. My Logic is Loved. That is the feeling of this today. Someone learned my Logic and Loved me. Now that… that is Love. When someone Values your Logic so much that they sit through it, and they choose you because of it. But if we never raise our Voices, then how can we ever be Known to be Loved? How will we ever know that we are — in fact — Loved? To Speak is to Show the Logic and the Mind and then to Know — Once and for all — that you are Loved.
Our Voices are our Spokesperson for Our Logic and Our Mind.
And I would give anything to be honored to hear and know yours.
Anna